Reaching Higher

In our struggle to help our children reach greater heights, we often encounter pretty low valleys. It is at those times that I am especially grateful for a little inspiration that gives us a greater perspective and helps us know in which ways we can improve.

Here are three encouraging reminders I found in a recent Ensign article by By Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H. Haupt:

1. Use kind words and gentleness during disagreements

2. Give positive reinforcement through compliments, providing earned rewards, and sharing satisfaction from service.

3. Never use coercion.

I found the discussion about coercion particularly fascinating and have quoted it below. I like the part where the father abandons his unsuccessful attempt at time out to give his son needed attention. It is a great reminder that we often have to give up our desire to be "right" to be effective parents. We have seen many positive changes in our family in the few days we have focused on these principles. I am so grateful for the support we receive as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in our roles as parents.

"A natural response to misbehavior can be to simply demand, rather than invite, obedience. Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles related the story of a man who was determined to train a colt by simply pulling on the lead rope. Each time he yanked, the colt fell down. After a few minutes, the man had successfully taught the colt to fall down. Then the man’s wife made an excellent suggestion: Walk beside the colt. 'To my friend’s chagrin,' said Elder Ballard, 'it worked.'8 Parents will have more success if they lead by example. President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, suggested that parents may need to give up parental behavior that produced bad results in the past and try a better way.9

"Inappropriate attempts to force obedience, like 'yanking the rope,' create difficulty in fostering companionable relationships with young children and teens. Coercion—physical or psychological—is not appropriate. Coercive behavior includes physical and verbal abuse, threats, shouting, manipulating, withdrawing love, and shaming. While coercion may lead to momentary obedience or compliance, it rarely results in a long-term solution. President Gordon B. Hinckley reiterated that 'discipline with severity, discipline with cruelty inevitably leads not to correction but to resentment and bitterness'10 (see also D&C 121:41–44). 'Children don’t need beating,' he emphasized. 'They need love and encouragement.'11

"One young father became frustrated when 'time out' seemed to fail as a discipline strategy for his very energetic young son. Shouting and spanking seemed only to feed the misbehavior. Afraid he might lose control and harm his child, the father took his own 'time out.' He left the room and silently prayed for help. When he returned, he invited the son to build a train with blocks and then to play catch—two favorite activities. He tried to focus on the son’s increasing skills, and he offered ample praise. To the father’s surprise, the son behaved well for the rest of the evening, with only a few gentle reminders. Leading with love worked better than leading by force."